A story of mine « Thread Started on Oct 16, 2007, 8:49pm »
Okay I have a story that I simply need feedback on. My screen name as you can tell is Kono Slaker. I am the admin from Camp Half Blood. I have a story that I have been working hard on but no one will read it and give me honest criticism. If this is the place to get it I will gladly post chapter by chapter after I've made an account.
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries
Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 41 Location: In a book
Re: A story of mine « Reply #1 on Oct 18, 2007, 5:24pm »
We will do our best to give you honest criticism. We know you're here to get helpful tips to improve your writing, not to be treated like a kid showing their latest art project.
Re: A story of mine « Reply #3 on Apr 22, 2008, 8:34pm »
Uhm Hi I'm back. It's me Kono Slaker. Sorry it took so long to get back but I actually forgot that I had even posted here before. I found my post while searching google for my usual username to find a site I was once on and this popped up. Anyway sorry again for the delay but I finally got back here and here it is. Its a project that I working on for years and never get up the nerve to continue (always because the people around never give me honest criticism.) I'm hoping that this will allow me to get my inspiration back inorder to finish or at least expand on the book.
It is a sci-fi fantasy genre so if you have a hard time following that sort of thing this is just a fair warning. It is meant for kids and young adults and according to a Microsoft Word Tally thing that i used a few years ago it is written at a fourth to fifth grade reading level so don't expect Sheaksepere.
Here it is. Enjoy.
Dragon Slayers Prologue: Pranksters at work (The Mischief Group) “Alright, does everybody remember the plan?” asked Alex. Alex is the hot-shot, cool-guy leader of The Mischief Group. He is the most popular kid from middle school down to kindergarten. He’s of an average height compared to the rest of his class. Everybody looks up to him at all times. He knows how to swing the situation to something else to get the group out of trouble. He’s usually wearing a light blue jacket with a turquoise undershirt and blue jeans. He has bright blue eyes and quite long hair for a 14 year old boy but he has a good reason. To make him look even cooler, a couple of years ago he spiked his hair and dyed it blue. Cool huh? The Mischief Group was huddled up, outside the music room by the pop machines. White tile covered the floors all the way through the school, but even though they were by them selves they were right outside Mr. Mark’s office. He was the band teacher now but three years ago the school transferred him from gym teacher to band because the parents wrote a petition (that The Mischief Group may or may not have had something to do with) saying he was to rough with their kids. He never got over it. They were plotting yet another of their pranks (the last one put them in detention for a month). Nobody really knows how their name came to be. Some say that the teachers called them that to be witty and it stuck with The Mischief Group. Others say Alex just thought up the name because it sounded cool (by the way Alex is the leader and the coolest kid in school). “Yes” cried everybody annoyed by the fact they were going over it for the fifty-second time. “Let’s review the plan one more time,” suggested Alex, “Jessica…,” Jessica is the prettiest girl in eighth grade and the most popular. Jessi, as she is usually called, is one of the taller students in her class. She has elegant, long, brown hair, but some would say it looked a little purplish. She has deep green eyes and usually wears a heavy green sweater and green shorts. Her favorite hobby is to plant violets. Alex has pretty much had a crush on Jessica since second grade, but nobody knows that except him. It is so obvious that Isaac and Mongol have never had any intentions of keeping their crushes on Jessica a secret, EVER. “…You are going to distract the hall-monitors. Everybody knows that Mongol has a crush on you and if you let him he will follow you wherever you go. Vicki has always and will always want to be center of attention so she’ll follow Mongol just to yell and get mad.” “Ain’t that the truth!” snickers Isaac. “Shut-up, Isaac.” muttered Alex. “Anyway, you got that Jess?” “Yes, I do!” shouted Jessica. “Easy, Easy! Not so perky Jess!” cautioned Alex, “Okay now, Isaac…,” Isaac is Alex’s little brother and since Alex is the most popular kid in school Isaac really benefits. Isaac has short, spiked, reddish-brown hair. He’s just the right height for his grade but never quite measures up to the rest of The Mischief Group. Isaac is eleven years old and in fifth grade. He’s really I mean really short-tempered but is a fine athlete and pretty decent in all subjects. But Alex still has to bale him oughtta trouble every now and then. An example would be the time when Alex had a sleep–over at Jessica’s house and invited Isaac (big mistake) when the group was young. When Jessica was sleeping, Isaac kissed her long and hard until she woke up. Long story short, He still has the scar. “…You’re going to take the stink bombs through the vent, pull the pins and throw them so that they won’t fall…” Rudely Isaac interrupted, “Why me!?” “Number one: Shut-up! Number two other than Betty and Austin, you’re the smallest here! Anywho as I was saying, so they won’t fall to the floor, those vents are very loose! There are ten vents, four run through the Locker rooms but they’re already stinky. Another three run through the classrooms. Now even though that would be funny it’s not the effect we want. That leaves only three, one through the gym, another through the teachers lounge and the last through the music room. This brings me to you two: Betty & Austin…” Now I’ve been pretty rude, introducing two new characters without a description on either one! Hopefully you value the saying “better late than never” as much as I do. Anyway… Betty and Austin are absolute geniuses! In pre-school they made a light-bulb out of a paper clip, some broken glass, a rubber band, a hollow stick, glue, and a AA battery. They’ve designed, built, and sold a car for each of their parents, and their neighbors (All 17 of them!!!)! And even managed to hack into the government’s read outs and made it illegal for school to be held (unfortunately it was fixed in a couple of days) and didn’t get caught. They are both eleven and in the eighth grade (they skipped a few grades and would be out of college if they hadn’t made friends with the group). Oh, and by the way they’re twins. Yes you heard right, twins, two people born on the same day, same time, twins. They pretty much look and dress identical. They each have ugly glasses, lemon yellow shirt complete with a pocket protector and three pens inside. They both have bottomless brown eyes. The only differences between them are their gender obviously, their hair (Betty’s is brown Austin’s is dirt-blond both short), and their color of pants. Betty’s are gray and Austin’s are dark green. Oh and they are twenty-eight pounds overweight. “…You constructed those stink-bombs, right?” “Right!” they cheered simultaneously. “Austin you take the one above the gym.” stated Alex, “Betty you take the music room. “Not to be rude or anything but why in the horse do we have help?” complained Betty. Did I mention the twins don’t say cuss words? “Yeah!” said Isaac as he jabbed his finger in Alex’s chest, “I can do it myself!” “I don’t care what you think he,” said Alex now shifting his attention back to Isaac, “you can do but there’s no way you can throw all three stink bombs and not get caught!” argued Alex while he swatted Isaac’s arm down. “Guys can we get back to the plan?” requested Brendan. Brendan is the absolute swiftest kid from kindergarten to ninth grade. And he tied the fastest in tenth in a two mile race. He’s Alex’s right-hand-man along with being Isaac’s idol. He’s got a lot of stuff to do since he’s in track, basketball, soccer, baseball, and is on the swim team, but during the summer but he still makes time to spend with The Mischief Group. Brendan is very tall for his age with short blond hair and a few streaks of brown with hazel colored eyes. Also from hanging out at the pool and running most every day during the summer he’s works up quite a tan. You can probably find him in a white sleeve-less shirt and slippery yellow shorts (he doesn’t care about chills only when it snows). He has the most common-sense in the group. He is in eighth grade and acceptably popular & fine in the subjects, but he’s still kind. “Alright” sighed Alex “Austin and Betty, you are going to help Isaac in the vents. When you are done, you’re going to get phase two ready for action. Haley, Brendan…” Haley is… unusual. She is decent in sports, subjects, and being appreciated. She’s the teacher’s pet in the group but she is moody. One minute she’ll ask you for help, and as soon as you try to say anything, she’ll start crying and saying she’s stupid. But when you try to calm her done tell her she’s not stupid she’ll say “Of course I’m not stupid Why would you say such a thing!?!?” the group blames it on late puberty and hormones, but it only happens when she’s stressed. Anyway she’s a great runner. She is almost as tall as Brendan, with long, black hair, pale, white skin and unfathomable, blue eyes. When she’s calm before she comes to school she’ll probably wear gray sweat pants and a long sleeve T-shirt that says ‘Bug off Dork!’ or if she’s a little mad a dark gray one that says ‘Leave me alone…unless you have a death-wish’ such as the shirt she was wearing today. “…You are going to help me distract the teachers. Haley when we’re done I need you to hide the evidence… okay?” “Fine! Would you stop nagging me!!! Gees!” jeered Haley “Good. Ready everybody? 1…2…3…” “Mischief forever!” whispered The Mischief Group.
Little did they know, their destiny was about to unfold........
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries
Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 41 Location: In a book
Re: A story of mine « Reply #4 on Apr 23, 2008, 6:43pm »
Oh goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't think you were coming back. It wouldn't be the first time you know... but I digress. It's good to see you back, hopefully for a while longer. Sorry again for the misunderstanding...
Interesting premise... I gotta do something about the skin...
Anyway, I'll start with the criticism. The introductions: I wouldn't have introduced them that way personally, but I've read plenty of books where they've done it just like you did. I used to do it as well, but the thing is it drags out the story in an uninteresting way. I'm referring to all stories that try this way, not just yours. So, you could shorten it up and leave some of it up to the imagination and other parts to be found out as you go along like this:
Examples. 1. Alex looked at the twins Betty and Austin, posing the question that had been nagging him. "Do you two think you can pull it off" "Please," Betty said, waving her hand at Alex in a dismissive gesture. "Who hacked the military web at the age of eleven-" "And didn't get caught." Austin finished for his twin sister. Both grinned up at the older boy, reminding him just who it was he was talking to.
or
2. "Can we get back to the plan?" Brandon hissed, and Alex looked toward his second in command. The fastest kid in school, the eighth grader looked back, his expression perfectly calm and analytical.
That's just my opinion though, and you can ignore it if you want. I also suggest you beef it up a little more with actions, the plan and thoughts.
I liked your ending for sure though. Perfect cliff hanger that grabs my interest.
I apologize if any of my criticism is hurtful in any way. That is not my intent at all. Whether you choose to listen it or not is your decision.
Re: A story of mine « Reply #5 on Apr 24, 2008, 7:33pm »
No their perfect thanks. And yeah I know exactly what you are saying. I started this in like 4th grade or something like that and now I'm.... er older to give out as little info as possible (you know the internet) and I haven't modified it for a while so some of that stuff is a little... odd.
In word the prologue is only like 2 pages maybe three I think. The first chapter is a little longer and has a lot more information in it. Actions, character development, etc. And I'll admit I wrote it rather confusing as it will swith between points of view and whose point of view in between and possibly during the chapters later in the book. Chapter starts off in 1st person or at least third person from one person's point of view to get a little more than a paragraph of character description (how they think etc.)
Just letting you know where I am planning to go with this in the next couple chapters.
So do you think you are ready for chapter 1 (Punishments and Portals) or should I wait for a few others to read the prologue?
Books never lose there charm, despite how many years they may see....
Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 65 Location: In my Happy Place
Re: A story of mine « Reply #6 on Apr 28, 2008, 8:22pm »
Hope you don't mind me intruding, but being one of the few people here, I'd like to inject my own two cents. I think you should post up a revised version of the prolouge before you continue with the story. Than again, that's just my opinion.
Do you know anything about critiquing(sp) a paper?
Re: A story of mine « Reply #7 on Apr 29, 2008, 10:16pm »
Me or her? And is that a retorical quesiton or an honest one? If it is me and honest... yeah I'm pretty good with critiqing... or at least I think I am I suppose it is up to who I critique as to how good a job I do. Why do you ask?
And I'll post the updated version when I get time but not tonight.
Re: A story of mine « Reply #9 on May 3, 2008, 1:59pm »
Okay here it is the more realistic, updated Prologue to Dragon Slayers. Now with less specific character descriptions, less 'funny stories', and less unbelievable hyperbole's. However in my opinion it has better written fluency, more realistic vocabulary for the ages and even a change in the characters themselves.
Dragon Slayers Prologue: Pranksters at work (The Mischief Group)
“Does everybody remember the plan?” asked Alex. Alex is the leader of the Mischief Group because of his popularity and his ability to take charge without upsetting people. He is of an average height compared to the rest of his class and most everyone looks up to him at all times. He knows how to swing the situation in any direction to get the group out of trouble. He’s usually wearing a light blue jacket with a turquoise undershirt and stonewashed blue jeans. He has bright blue eyes and average length hair for a boy his age but the fact that he decided to keep it spiked at all times makes it seem much longer. And on top of that he decided to die it blue. Cool huh? The Mischief Group was huddled up, outside the music room by the pop machines. White tile covered the floors all the way through the school. And though they were alone, they were right outside Mr. Brown’s office. He was the band teacher now but three years back, at a different school, he had been a gym teacher. He had been let go because of a petition the parents wrote up about their concerns that he had become or would become violent with the children in action and intention. He never got over it and suspected a child had exaggerated one of his pep talks. For this reason he was very stern at all times. The Group was plotting yet another of their pranks while their last one put them in Saturday detention for a month. Nobody really knows how their name came to be. Some say that the teachers called them that to be witty and to mock the children they despised and it stuck with the Group. Others say Alex just thought up the name because it sounded cool at the time (by the way Alex is the leader and the coolest kid in school). “Yes!” cried everybody, annoyed by the fact they were going over it for the fifty-something-th time. “Let’s review the plan one more time, for the sake of precaution.” suggested Alex, “Jessica…,” Although she doesn’t mean to be, Jessica is a flirt and is the prettiest girl in eighth grade and the most popular. Hands down. Jessi, as she is usually called, is one of the taller students in her class. She has elegant, long, brown hair, but some would say it has a purplish hue to it. She has deep green eyes and usually wears a heavy green sweater and green shorts. Her favorite hobby is gardening and more specifically to plant and care for violets. It is incredibly obvious that Isaac, Alex’s younger brother, and Mongol, one of the group’s enemies in school, have never had any intentions of keeping their crushes on Jessica a secret. “…You are going to distract the hall-monitors. Everyone knows that Mongol likes you and I’m sure you can come up with a way to persuade him to follow you. Vicki just wants to be the center of attention and can’t stand being ignored so as long as you act like you pay her no mind she’ll be just as interested in a pursuit as Mongol will.” “Ain’t that the truth!” snickered Isaac. “Shut-up, Isaac.” muttered Alex. “Anyway, you got that Jess?” “Yes, I do!” said giggling to herself Jessica. “Good. Okay now, Isaac…,” replied Alex. Since Isaac is Alex’s younger brother, and Alex is the most popular kid in school, Isaac really benefits. He has short, spiky, reddish-brown hair. He’s just the right height for his grade but never quite measures up to the rest of The Mischief Group. Isaac is twelve years old and in seventh grade. He’s fairly short-tempered but makes a fine athlete and gets decent grades in all subjects. But Alex still has to bale him out of trouble more often than not as he tends to wish to argue his point and prove he was right in his actions than to say “My bad.” and possibly get away with it. He is quite talkative and very passionate, as he would call it about most everything. “…You are going to take the canisters through the vents, pull the pins and throw them so that they are correctly positioned…” Rudely Isaac interrupted, “Why me!?” “First: Shut-up. Second: Betty and Austin will be helping you but you three are the only ones still small enough to not risk falling through. Anyway as I was saying, so they will go off in the right place at the right time. There are ten vents that run through the school, four run through the Locker rooms but they’re already smelly. Another three run through the classrooms. Although that would be funny it’s too broad a scope of people involved. It will alert too many adults to the smell and not give us enough time to get away. That leaves only three, one through the gym, and another through the teachers lounge, and the last through the office. This, of course brings me to Betty & Austin…” Betty and Austin are child prodigies in every sense of the term. In pre-school they made a light-bulb out of a paper clip, some broken glass, a rubber band, a hollow stick, glue, and a AA battery. Granted it only glowed a bit it still worked. They’ve designed, and submitted a design for a much more fuel efficient car to the major American car companies which is said to hit car lots in two years. They even managed to hack into the President’s teleprompter during a speech and made him say it was illegal for school to be held (unfortunately it was fixed in a couple of days) and didn’t get caught. They are both eleven and in the eighth grade. They skipped a few grades and would be starting college soon if they hadn’t made friends with the group. Oh, and by the way they’re twins. They pretty much look and dress identical. They each have old ugly glasses, lemon yellow shirt complete with a pocket protector and three pens inside. They both have bottomless brown eyes. The only differences between them are their gender obviously, their hair; Betty’s is brown and Austin’s is a darker-blond although both are kept short), and their color of pants. Betty’s are light gray and Austin’s are dark green almost black. Unfortunately they are quite short and for their size and appear somewhat overweight by about a couple dozen pounds but they don’t care and no one dislikes them enough to make fun of them for it. “…You constructed those canisters, right?” “Did you doubt us?” said Betty inquisitively. “Never. Austin you take the one above the gym.” stated Alex, “Betty you take the office. “Not to be rude or anything but why in the horse do we have help?” complained Betty. Did I mention the twins don’t cuss… ever? Alex said calmly, “There’s no way he can set all three canisters and not get caught or run out of time.” argued Alex . “Guys can we get back to the plan? The bell is about to ring” suggested Brendan. Brendan is absolutely the fastest kid from kindergarten to ninth grade. He was beaten by only a quarter of a second by the fastest guy in tenth grade in the hundred meter dash and only three seconds in the two mile race. He is Alex’s right-hand-man and is Isaac’s idol. He is very preoccupied with extracurricular activities since he’s in track in the spring, basketball in the winter, soccer on the weekends, baseball in the early summer, and is on the swim team in the spring, but he always made time to spend with the group. Brendan is very tall for his age with short blond hair and a few streaks of brown with hazel colored eyes. From hanging out at the pool and running most every day during the summer, he has worked up quite a tan. You can probably find him in a white or yellow sleeve-less shirt and slippery yellow or silver shorts. He only cares about the temperature when it snows. He has the most common-sense in the group and therefore the voice of reason. You don’t want to know how many pranks he has talked the group out of. He is in eighth grade and as Alex’s friend, quite popular and above average in most subjects, but he’s still kind to all. “Good point.” agreed Alex “Austin; Betty; you are going to help Isaac in the vents. When you are done, get phase two ready for action. Brendan, Haley…” Haley is… odd. She is a star athlete and a C student. Most people like her but she is quite blunt and many people take offense to what she claims is the truth. Her opinions stand points, and reactions change day to day. One day she’ll stay after to help out with the teacher the next she is complaining about how she can’t stand the man. Anyways she’s a great runner. She is almost as tall as Jessica, with long, black hair, pale, white skin and unfathomable, deep blue eyes. When she’s at least calm before she comes to school, she’ll probably wear gray sweat pants and a long sleeve T-shirt that says something like ‘No. Don’t even ask.’ or ‘I’m a brain eating zombie… don’t worry your safe’. If she’s at least a little angry, she would wear a dark gray one that says ‘Do you have a death-wish?’ or one of a similar sardonic, dark humor T shirt, such as the shirt she was wearing today. “…You two are going to help me distract the teachers. Haley when we’re done I need you to hide the evidence… okay?” “I got it.” said Haley with an extreme amount distaste and frustration in her voice. “Good. 1…2…3…” “Mischief forever!” whispered The Mischief Group, most with an embarrassed smirk on their faces. The chant had become tradition during most of the group’s fourth grade year.
Little did they know, their destiny was about to unfold........
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries
Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 41 Location: In a book
Re: A story of mine « Reply #10 on May 4, 2008, 7:31pm »
I like the changes you've made, and the introductions are ok for a prolouge. Good job in giving it a little more substance. I look foreward to reading the first chapter...
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries
Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 41 Location: In a book
Re: A story of mine « Reply #12 on May 9, 2008, 11:01pm »
Sorry for the delay, but finales arecoming up. I think you should keep the new chapters here. That way anyone who wants to see them can find them easily.
Re: A story of mine « Reply #14 on Jun 15, 2008, 10:16pm »
sorry I got busy, here is the orignal version. No edits have been made yet, I will wait for your comments first. Note this is the longest chapter yet written.
Dragon Slayers Chapter 1: punishments & portals (The Mischief Group)
(Group 1, 10:47 A.M, Jessica, Mongol, Vicki)
“Hey Mongol.” Said a flirting voice from behind. “What the… hey! Who are you!?!” Demanded Mongol. Mongol is a body builder. He can bench-press almost triple his weight. He’s about… oh... say 6’8”. He is tanned, very tanned. Bald, brown eyes, tan sleeve-less tore shirt, the works. He is Vicki’s slave and will do anything she says and is proud of it. Problem is he’s too dumb to know better. You know the saying ‘he’s dumber than a box of rocks’? Well, he probably couldn’t spell “a” to save his life! The only reason why he’s in eighth grade is because he was strong enough to threaten the teachers. He’s 16 years old (and yes, that means he was held back). In kindergarten the teacher was stronger than him for two years, but let’s just say he’s “in a better place”. No, he did not kill him. “Over here big boy,” coaxed Jessica. “Ahhh… Jessica. What are you doing on this fine beahhhhh…” said Mongol as he drools all over himself speechless. “Oh nothing, just going to the girls locker room. Could you please escort me there?” replied Jessica in her sweetest voice, flicking her eyelashes, and curling her hair. On the inside she was really thinking “If I wasn’t doing this just to get Vicki mad I wouldn’t even let him escort me a foot!” “Sure thing” agreed Mongol as he eagerly started toward Jessica when… “Don’t move a muscle!” commanded a screeching voice from behind. It was Vicki. It was not very fun after that. “She’s late for gym that means she gets a ticket. This is her third ticket this year. That means she gets detention!” cried Vicki triumphantly. Vicki died her hair black because it was ‘fashionable’ one day and the Mischief Group changed the die purple and she’d had short purple hair ever since. She is petite to say the least. She has hazel eyes and is usually wearing a black and purple happy bunny long sleeved T-shirt and black capris. Let me guess what you’re thinking…. the living image of an annoying girl who thinks she is “all that”? Too true. Vicki is a stuck-up, popular girl wanna-be rude, spoiled little brat who has to be center of attention and hides behind Mongol whenever things go south. She’s rude, stubborn and a show-off all rolled into one. Don’t you just gotta hate her? Did I mention she’s rude? “But Vicki I was just about to bring her to her locker room!” argued Mongol which he then turns to Jessica and says, “Com’on Jessica I’ll get you there” “Mongol you come back here right now and give her a tic… hey! Do you hear me come back right now! Wha… I’m coming over there! You’ll be sorry mister!” exclaimed Vicki. “Vicki, you should be ashamed of yourself! Hall monitor and you’re still yelling in the halls? Shame.” scolded a teacher to the left. “Sorry sir. Mongol is escorting a tardy to gym.” apologized Vicki “But she should have three tickets by now which means…” “Yes, yes. I know what it means now hurry up and go get them! And I want to talk to Mongol about something in particular.” interrupted the teacher. “Go, go!” “Thank you sir. I’ll be back soon.” promised Vicki as she drifted down the hall like a predator stalking its prey.
(Group 1 complete. Group 2 10:51 A.M, Isaac, Betty, Austin)
“Com’on guys hurry up! We have a limited time here!” complained Isaac. “You… hhhh… know… hhhh… that… hhhh… we’re… hhhh… not… hhhh… good… hhhh… runners…” wheezed Austin as he tries to catch his breath. “Com’on!” encouraged Isaac. “Finally,” said Betty grasping for air, “We’re here.” “Time to get this done,” whispered Austin. “You two take the stink bombs. Here are some walkie-talkies; they are set on sequence fifteen set them at four to reach me okay?” explained Betty. “Got it!” chimed the boys at the same time. “I’ll start with phase two when you’re done meet Alex outside the gym near the south exit. Got all that?” she stated. “Let’s spilt up..............NOW! Go, Go, Go!” exclaimed Isaac as he dashes back to the gym. “Hold it! Forgetting something?” asked Betty sarcastically. Isaac looks down…,”Oh shoot! Throw me the canisters!” “Catch!” says Betty as she tosses him the bombs. “Move it!” ordered Isaac as they dash at an incredible speed. “Whoa…” says Austin as they arrive at the vents out of breath, “I’m… terrified.” “Don’t be. Just go in and out as fast as you can, got it?” replied Isaac half way through the vent.” Austin wasn’t so sure as he agreed. They got half way through when the unthinkable happened. “I gotta pee,” Austin stated simply. “What?!?! Now!!!! But…” said Isaac through the walkies dumbfounded. He calms down and tries again, “You have to pee at a time like this?” “Yeah, and I also have to…” he replies. “No don’t even finish the sentence I know what you mean. Pull the pin and throw.” Interrupted Isaac. “Okay...” Austin pulls the pin, grabs the stinker, throws it… And it comes back, he threw it repeatedly and finally it goes (after the thousandth time!). “How hard is it to throw a stupid stink bomb!?” Isaac thought to himself.
(Group 2 complete. Group 3, 10:52 A.M. Alex, Brendan, Haley)
“Hello Ms. Arsinick. How are you doing today?” called a jolly voice. She turned around to see the one thing she hated to see---- part of the mischief group. ”Oh… it’s you…” She stated with zero enthusiasm. “Yep it’s us,” exclaimed Haley, “We came to check on how-“ “What are you up to missy!? There’s only three of you, there’s seven of you little munchkins in that group of yours where are the rest?” interrupted Ms. Arsinick. She picked up the scent and was about to find the body. “Why, what do you mean? They’re all in separate classes.” Said Alex, who was trying his best to act innocent and puzzled. Which is about as hard for Alex to do as a bird to catch a fish with its feathers. “Yeah, oh and sorry we’re late, we’ll start jogging our laps. Be right back!” cried out Brendan as he turned and dashed to start his laps. She sighed then finally agreed, “Fine. Go! Run! Hustle!” she shouted. After they ran their laps they joined in the game…DODGEBALL!!!! POW! POW! Whoosh! POW! One of the best things in dodgeball is when you’re so high up on the food chain of kids that no one throws the ball at you. And that’s exactly what happened.........Alex smoked about 5 nerds & 2 okay girls. Brendan dodged… oh, say 23 shots towards him, & spiked 3 volleyball players. Haley, now she is a totally different story. She was on the girl’s team and swung that arm of hers about 50 times, 47 made contact. She whipped the ball at jocks twice as hard as any of them threw back. She had a cannon!!! But when it came down to it, it wasn’t Haley who was scared, it was Alex and Brendan. Boom! Boom (Down goes Alex)! Boom! Boom! Boom (Bye-Bye Brendan)! Girls win! “MVP of the day goes by no surprise to Haley!” said Ms. Arsinick enthusiastically, “Okay time for showe….”
(Group 3 finished. Time for phase two, 11:07, everybody)
Who would’ve thought that at that exact second the stink bombs were to go off? “EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW what smells?!?!?!?!” shrieked a girl in the back. “If there’s one thing I know how to smell it’s BO. That is not BO!” declared Ms. Arsnick. “STINK BOMB!” cried a jock somewhere near the sides. That’s when it happened. Have you ever heard of a “Stampede”? That’s the best word to describe what happened next. In the confusion everybody dashed towards the exits screeching and shouting. Alex, Brendan, and Haley knew that if they stayed they’d be dead-men and a dead-woman. So while the uncertainty was still trying to be controlled by the teachers, they slipped out. What they knew was that they got out, what they didn’t know was the there was a wanna-be-hall-monitor-midget following their every move. Alex thought it was time for Phase Two “Haley remember, you need to hide the stink bombs in somebody else’s locker. Brendan we’ll go get Betty and Austin for phase two. Haley when your done I want you to extract Jessica from her situation and go grab Isaac; chances are they are in the same place. “Yes, let’s do this.” said Haley This part of the group split up. Alex and Brendan found Betty rigging the pop machines. Haley found Isaac near the music room door.
Alex was so confused. This wasn’t in the plan! Phase two was locking the doors so nobody could get out. So why was Betty by herself rigging the pop machine? “What in the heck do you think your doing?” “Uh Well, last night me and Austin got to thinking if we lock the doors number one how do we get a hold of the keys, and number two wouldn’t that mean we can’t get out so as not to get in trouble? So we decided that we’d rig the pop machines so the soda spray out from the bottom that way most of the people are still trapped and we can get out and away from trouble.” said Betty cautiously. “Good idea. I’m glad I thought of it!” joked Alex, “By the way where is Austin?” Betty knew the answer to this question easily, “On the other pop machines, just because one exit is blocked doesn’t mean that all are. There, finished! Let’s go!”
“Get off your lazy behind and help me you midget!” Haley was in the ‘not in the mood for rebels’ mood, and she wasn’t backing down. But the only person as hard headed as Haley in this mood is Isaac and he wasn’t backing down either. “Why should I help you do what my big bro told you to do? I’m waiting for my babe to come back. I don’t want to miss her.” Remember the story I told you about Isaac? Well he never really learned his lesson. “WELL MISTER SMARTY PANTS,” she screeched back, “YOUR BIG BRO AS YOU CALL HIM TOLD ME TO GET YOUR HELP FOR COVERING OUR TRACKS! NOW YOU CAN COME WITH ME AND HELP ME OR STAY HERE AND I WILL TURN YOU IN MYSELF BECAUSE YOU ALMOST COST US A SEVERE PUNISHMENT!” and with that tone of voice she created the most severe punishment ever issued at the school. “Oh, dear me. Haley, Haley, Haley. I’m afraid that you are in what you call ‘a severe punishment.” Haley had turned around straight into Principal Henderson. Now the Principal wasn’t one of those purple-happy-rainbow-stuff type of guys. No this was the detention for running in the halls type of guys. He was shorter than average height and was balding, badly. So you can imagine why Isaac was frozen. Answer? He hadn’t seen the principal behind Haley. Haley had two thoughts in her head. One: try to break free, possibly get away, they get Isaac, he blabs, we’re caught anyway. Two: warn Isaac, he runs and gets away, warns the others, they’re safe, I won’t blab. “ISAAC RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” She decided to get caught, a noble sacrifice in her opinion.
“Guys we gotta turn this on now! Principal Henderson, the hall monitors, and the teachers are all on my tail! Someone tipped them off!” Isaac caught up with The Mischief Group (Jessi was there too) and was telling them about his dispute with Haley. “Alright I’ll take your word for it Isaac. We’ll split up: Brendan, Isaac, and Jessi. Me, Austin, and Betty. Group 1 create a distraction, make them avoid us. Group 2 help Group 1 distract them when we accomplish this meet at…” Alex never got to finish that sentence because at that time Vicki grabbed Betty, Mongol (who was supposed to hold Haley now) was also holding Alex, covering his mouth. And Henderson was holding Austin. “Scatter!” yelled Brendan. Isaac ran towards the exit out of school only be yanked back by Ms. Arsnick. “Jessi run! Get away!!!!” Haley tried to make a run for it but Mongol had recovered and was holding 2 people at once. Betty’s idea worked. The math teacher; Mr. Ralling slipped on the soda and fell straight on his back (he wasn’t getting up for a while). They had forgotten about Mrs. Serringar; the English teacher. She came right around the corner and caught Jessi by the hair. Her scream was so loud, and so painfully blood-curdling that everybody froze- except the school nurse (who was actually the Kindergarten teacher Mongol had… yes a very strong man). At that moment Brendan got his senses back and was about to get a run for his money by the nurse. Brendan tried a little head fake and dashed into what he thought was the Janitor’s closet. Instead he had wound up in the principal’s office along with the rest of the mischief group. “Oh crap. I’m so screwed.” He thought. He was 100% correct.
“Here at Sampsonville, which is a decentful sized of a town compared to the rest of the towns in our state, at least in my opinion. Six schools, seven banks, three grocery stores, and a mall. Sure we’re in no comparison to some of those bigger towns like New York or anything like that but…yes Betty?” said Henderson. He does not like being interrupted. At all. “I’m sorry sir, but you said ‘decentful’. What you should have said was decently.” Corrected Betty. “I apologize for using one incorrect word in a sentence Betty, but there are more important matter’s at hand other than grammar!” Principal Henderson shot back. Betty was so terrified now that she was almost wetting herself. “As I was saying…but we still have competition. And hooligans like yourselves will make this school an abandoned building. We tried detention: you wrapped the teacher in her paper towels and ‘ditched’, as you call it, your punishment. A teacher suggested we had you suspended: you play video games the whole week! The hall-monitors thought you should be expelled but Haley, and Brendan are star track and basketball players, Alex is the best quarterback this state’s ever seen. Isaac here has won our school a regional soccer trophy and led his team to one state championship. Jessica is our best volleyball player, and the twins are on the debate team, the mathletes, the chess club, the science club, and are helping the teachers of all grades to get their students to write. We’d lose all credibility for any tournaments, games, or even equipment if you were expelled! In school suspension doesn’t work because Betty and Austin give you answers so your done by 9:05 AM and you talk and devise plans until school gets out. So what do you suggest we do?” “Uh…” “Well…” “I dunno” “Call our parents. They can decide with you,” said Brendan Principal Henderson was so pleased that Brendan had said that that he nearly burst at the sides with laughter as he replied with a chuckle. “Marvelous idea Brendan. You may come in now.” Everybody turned and looked as one parent in each family walked through the door for the fifteenth time that year. Wait, sorry that’s a typo I meant to say fiftieth. No joke. It was Brendan’s father you spoke first “We have decided that they should spend the entire night in a multiple rooms throughout the school with either no computers or one without Internet. There will be one person outside the door guarding so you won’t be leaving except to be escorted by your guard to the rest room. We will bring sleeping bags for our own children. They will spend three days in these rooms. They will wake up in this room, and then go to their classes, and at the end of the day they sleep in these rooms. And if we get any lip from anyone it’s 4 days. “We all agreed to this plan,” stated Isaac and Alex’s mother. “Then it is settled we’ll find the rooms right away.” Agreed Henderson.
“This is pure torture!” complained Isaac. It was the second day but little did the teachers know: the people in rooms with out computers had moved one in overnight (the ‘guards’ have shifts). Everybody was in a room with a PC in it. Betty and Austin were loading Internet on each of the mischief group’s PCs and Video Phone. Video Phone is a software that Austin and Betty developed 3 years ago that shows the person you’re linked to on the computer and lets you talk with them over the computer. Everybody had Video phone but there were firewalls on every website for the people who had Internet first. “Isaac shut your mouth before I come down there and nail it shut for you” yelled Alex. “Finished.” Said Betty. “Everybody has Internet, Video Phone, and every single tiny firewall has been shutdown. We rock don’t we? Yeah!” bragged Austin. “Now I know for a fact you’re a complete nerd” said Haley sarcastically. You could say she was stressed out right now. “Sorry, that wasn’t cool.” Admitted Austin. “Uhm… I hate to interrupt but I found an awesome game: it’s at www dot proto playin’ games dot in your face cool dot action dot net. Dragon Slayers is what it’s called.” Said Brendan. “The only problem is it still has a firewall. Betty, Austin, get to work please.” “You got it!” shouted the twins simultaneously. It took them two hours and eight minutes to get the firewall down. It was almost 6:15 PM, guard duty was about to take a dinner break. “We’d better wait until they all check in.” suggested Alex, “go somewhere where they wouldn’t be suspicious.” The doors opened and closed in all of their rooms by 6:22 PM. “Alright game time!” shouted Jessi a little to loud. “Everybody ready? One…two…THREE!” said Alex at the top of his lungs. CLICK! “It’s starting. Whoa sweet special effects!” to the group all that was happening was cool 3D effects, but it was Isaac who first noticed that the ‘special effects’ were leaving the computer screen. “What’s happening!?!?!?!?!” screeched Haley who sounded as if she was about to tear someone’s heart out. They were being sucked into the computer screen. But ironically that wasn’t the bad part. “JESSICA GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!” said Vicki completely losing her temper. “HEY YOU THERE STOP uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh JUST STOP” yelled Mongol at Alex. Both hall-monitors were smart enough to yell but both were dumb enough to grab to grab the feet of the disappearing teens. Principal Henderson got there in time to see Mongol’s legs disappear through the screen…
« Last Edit: Jun 15, 2008, 10:19pm by Kono Slaker »
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries
Joined: Jul 2007 Posts: 41 Location: In a book
Re: A story of mine « Reply #15 on Jul 7, 2008, 10:46pm »
That was pretty good. I'd concentrate on grammer and the flow of the story. There are a few parts where the dialouge are choppy. I recommend the same description techniques I mentioned above for Vicki and Mongol. Also, the point of view is very informal, though it's good if that's our intention. Again, it's good for a first draft.
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